Pimpin for Dummies...

Top 5 Ways to Get a Hot Girl From the Club to your Apartment

1.Tell her that while playing __________ (insert favorite sport here) in college, you injured your leg in the playoffs and haven’t been the same since. Tell her that it’s tiring and painful to stand at the bar all night and that you need to sit at home and ice it, but you don’t want to leave her since she is so intriguing and, well, “different than the other girls.” Remember to mention that you still won that game you got hurt in and that you made it to the championships-girls don’t listen to sports talk until they hear “winner” or “championship” and then you can paint their face whatever color you want, or with whatever you want… 2. Tell her you live above a 24 hour bagel shop, and the bagels are unbelievable. The only reason why some girls go home date-less at the end of a night drinking is to have an affair with a bagel…why not give her the threesome she has always wanted? Throw in that the store owner is a good friend and gives you a great discount, girls love a well-connected guy, especially when warm dough is involved. For those Jewish girls, tell her it’s a kosher bagel place, for dieters, a carb-free bagel place (just shake your head yes when she give you a doubtful look, if she has had a few drinks she will think anything is possible). 3. Tell her you just moved to a GIGANTIC, NEW apartment and need decorating tips, and since she is so “stylish and savvy” she can help you and give you advice. Emphasize the size and how luxurious it is, and explain that Colin Farrell, or some other hot bachelor used to live there, it will make her think of casual sex with a hot man with an accent and she will be five steps closer to the valet. Little does she know that it’s not the apartment space that needs to be filled… 4. Tell her you just want to cuddle, hold her, spoon. Tell her it’s not about hooking up; you just want to “feel close to someone tonight” and that she can trust you. Once you have her in your bed, spooning can become forking by a few light kisses to the neck, a hand through her hair, and a “god, you are so beautiful” (don’t forget the pause after god, key to feigned sincerity). Just as “watching a movie” really means “dry humping,” “just wanting to hold you” translates to “just wanting to hold it.” 5. Tell her you have on-demand and have a ton of HBO series…she will automatically think “Sex and the City,” and be game for a few re-runs. Even if you don’t have it, while “searching” for her show of choice, start a porno “by accident.” Girls like to say they don’t watch it or like it, but really, they just want someone else to push the play button so they can continue their guiltless life of porn-induced masturbation and sex, and still be considered just another girl who watches “Sex and the City” and not the girl who has sex with the city. **Bonus Item** "Never Tell her..." Never tell her that you have to go home to feed your dog, cat or pet of choice. If you don’t have a pet at all, this could be the worst line for you to use, considering the ladies just may see through your intricate plot when they come to your place to find not quite the bone they expected to find. If you do have a pet, telling them at the club at 3am that you still haven’t fed your pet that day, they might consider you irresponsible and well, no girl wants a guy who can’t handle the p*ssy." [Yall wanabees can thank Pimpwiz.com for this article]